Being a Grown-Up Sucks

Today is my fifth wedding anniversary, and I’m sitting alone on my couch while my dog and child sleep peacefully. And that’s fine. I knew what I was getting into when I married a firefighter/medic. It happens. Many holidays and birthdays and other festivities are missed on account of the life saving work he does in 24- and 48-hour shifts. And like I said, that’s okay. It’s just hard some days. And today is one of those days.

It’s 11:30 on a Friday night, and I’m peppering my PJs with tears for any one or a combination of all of the following:
Watching a fave sitcom on DVR, but of course it happens to be the one terribly profound, sappy, heartbreaking episode;
Even though we visited him briefly for dinner, I miss my husband terribly;
I sweetly changed my profile (and cover!) photos on Facebook to shots from our wedding day and now consequently have to see them every time I get a notification;
I’m due to start THAT time of the month tomorrow (hello hormones);
Big life changes are happening, and they will be good for our family but also feel weird and unsure and scary all at once specifically for me;
The weather today turned to winter in the middle of April, no sunshine, all cold, all miserable and gray and rainy.

I would call and tell him, but he already hates being away from us so much and is working all these hours to support us. Extra guilt, pain, sadness is not something I will put upon him. I would call a BFF, but it’s late, I’m in a stupid emotional frenzy, and overall life is good. So for heaven’s sake, I tell me to pull myself together, but I can’t seem to find peace. Thus, after almost a year of silence here, I purge my heart to the Interwebz. Even if I don’t write for another year, even if no one reads this, the writing clears my head. My pulse slows, the tears dry, breaths become less shallow until… Silence.

Tomorrow is another day. The sun will rise, my husband will come home, and life will go on. Yes, tomorrow will be better.

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